Why Empathy Isn’t a Competition (And We All Lose When It Is)
- Tim Thürnau
- Dec 17, 2024
- 3 min read
Empathy isn’t a limited resource, and treating it like one turns humanity into a zero-sum game where everyone loses.
Hello friend,
Why does it feel like we’re stuck in a never-ending argument about who has it worse—men or women? It’s like watching two sides of a seesaw argue over who’s heavier, completely ignoring that the whole playground is falling apart.
Here’s the problem: empathy has become a zero-sum game. There’s this flawed idea that caring about one group automatically takes away from another. If I care about men’s struggles, I must not care about women’s struggles, right?Wrong. Empathy isn’t pie; giving some to one group doesn’t mean there’s less for everyone else.
The Math of Misery Doesn't Work
We’ve all seen it:
“Women face sexual harassment!”
“Men face false accusations!”
“Men are more likely to be homeless!”
“Women are undervalued for unpaid labor!”
It’s like we’re trying to solve some bizarre social justice equation: How many male CEOs cancel out how many female college graduates? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work that way.
There’s no universal exchange rate for suffering. Human challenges aren’t numbers to tally or compare. Yet when we approach these conversations like a contest, no one wins. We’re too busy keeping score to actually solve anything.
Empathy Isn’t a Limited Resource
The zero-sum approach stems from the belief that empathy is finite. But caring about one group doesn’t erase or invalidate another. Recognizing men’s struggles doesn’t take away from women’s, and vice versa. Both can—and should—exist side by side.
Here’s a radical thought: What if, instead of competing, we just… listened? Acknowledging someone’s pain doesn’t mean you’re denying your own. It means you’re human.
The Problem With "Whataboutism"
We’ve all seen “Whataboutism” derail conversations:
“What about male victims of domestic abuse?”
“What about female leaders being underestimated?”
Instead of listening, we rush to point out our own pain, like admitting someone else’s struggle diminishes ours. But empathy doesn’t work that way. Responding with “Tell me more about that” instead of “What about my issue?” opens the door to connection instead of conflict.
Moving From Division to Connection
The truth is, many struggles are connected.
The same norms that tell men not to cry also tell women to “be nice.”
The same pressures men feel to “provide” undervalue women’s unpaid labor.
By addressing these issues together, we’re not just helping one group—we’re creating a better world for everyone.
How to Wing It
This week, listen to someone’s struggle without turning it into a debate or comparison. Replace “But what about…” with “Tell me more about that.” You might find a connection where you least expect it.
Final Thoughts: Empathy Doesn’t Have a Scoreboard
We’re not adversaries—we’re on the same team. So let’s stop keeping score and start having real conversations. Empathy isn’t pie, my friend. There’s plenty to go around.
Until next week, keep winging it—and keep listening.
Bridging Worlds
If you want to see me wing it, I do a podcast with cool people. You should subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or YouTube.
How Do You Know When to Pivot? Insights from Maurice Straube
This week on Bridging Worlds, I had the pleasure of speaking with Maurice Straube, an entrepreneur who spent four intense years co-founding Unlike Any, a social-discovery app designed to foster authentic connections. Maurice shares his raw and honest journey—from the highs of building a product from the ground up to the challenging decision to let go and move forward. 🚀
One of the standout moments?
"You are not your project. Success or failure doesn’t define your worth—it’s the lessons you carry forward that truly matter."
In this episode, Maurice opens up about:
The critical importance of validating your ideas early to avoid costly detours.
Why shared values within a team can make or break a startup.
Knowing when to stop, pivot, and start fresh—a lesson every entrepreneur needs to hear.
If you’re a founder, creative, or anyone navigating ambitious projects, Maurice’s story offers powerful insights and practical wisdom for building, failing, and learning with resilience.
Personally, I found Maurice’s reflections on balancing passion with objectivity incredibly grounding. It’s a reminder that sometimes stepping back is the most courageous step forward.
🎧 Don’t miss this inspiring conversation—tune in on Friday on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts!
Keep winging it, and I’ll see you in the next one.
Big love,
Tim